Despicable Who?
by that one little guy
Summary: What if El Macho wasn't the true mastermind of the second movie? What if it was someone Gru never expected?


**A/N: **Uh... I have noooooo idea what to say about this, except... I just saw Despicable Me 2 and was disappointed because they never really tried at all to hide from you who the bad guy was and I had a different idea so yeah. *hides*

_**––**_

Chaos and anarchy was erupting in the air over El Macho's enormous compound. High up in their airship, Margo, Agnes, Edith, and Dr. Nefario were firing the jelly laced with PX-41 antidote at the countless hundreds of imprisoned minions, changing them back en masse from their monstrous purple forms into their normal selves. Gru was doing the same thing on the ground, while at the same time his mind was racing for a way to rescue Lucy. He had to get her out of El Macho's clutches before it was too late!

Finally the family's hard work paid off and all the minions had been transformed back to normal, just as Gru used up his last bit of antidote. El Macho, the masked supervillain responsible for the minions and Lucy's abduction, could only stand there gritting his teeth as Gru triumphantly twirled his gun in his fingers and turned to face him.

"Ha ha! So you see, Mister El Macho," he said smugly. "Crime does not pay! My girls and I... have defeated you!"

"YEAH! We defeated you, big time!" Agnes cheered from on board the airship, she and Edith making faces and blowing raspberries. Margo just rolled her eyes and looked embarrassed.

"So you say, my friend," El Macho said quietly. "You may have destroyed my army of mutants... but need I remind you, _I _still have the woman you love?"

He gestured behind both of them to the middle of the compound, where Lucy was tied to a shark that was tied to a huge TNT-laced rocket.

"Oh, hi Gru!" she said with a timid smile. "Uh, just so you know, these ropes are kinda tight... kinda chafin' me a little bit. Just sayin'..."

Gru's eyes lit up in horror and fury as he saw the state she was in. El Macho was going to launch her into a volcano, the same way he'd faked his own death! He _couldn't _let that happen... not when he'd just realized how he felt about her!

"Not for long you won't!" he bellowed, rounding on the supervillain in determination. "I am saving her, and then _you _are going to _prison_, 'my friend'!" He started striding purposefully up to El Macho. "And for the record, I knew it was you all along! I knew you were the one with the serum! You did not fool me for a minute!"

He had just about marched right up to the luchador to give him a piece of his mind... when suddenly there came a noise that made him freeze in his tracks. There was a laugh coming from above both their heads. A very familiar, very _annoying _laugh...

"Oh, I knew _he _would never fool you, Gru... but how about _me?_"

Gru stopped what he was doing and stared up at the roof, where a tall, lanky figure was standing purposefully. His eyes bulged. He _recognized _that person... but no... it couldn't be...!

"_Jillian?!_"

Gru's neighbor was standing up there, hands on her hips with an evil glint in her eyes and a cruel smirk on her face. It was her all right, even though she'd swapped out her normal clothes for a completely ridiculous purple spandex costume, complete with black boots, gloves, cape, and domino mask.

"Oh, Gru, you silly billy!" Jillian said with that same annoying laugh, although there was nothing good-natured about it now. "That's my _civilian _name. I guess there's no harm in telling you my supervillain name now... _The Masked Matchmaker!_"

"Woooooah... this is gettin' _good!_" Edith said with relish, munching from a bag of popcorn.

"...Where did you get that?" asked Margo.

Gru just stood there gawking up at her, his mind totally blank and unable to process this. Jillian, his annoying, busybody neighbor... was a _supervillain? _How long had this been going on right under his nose, and he'd had no idea?

"But... but what are you _doing _here, Jillian?! This is El Macho's compound! This was _his _evil plan - "

"Oh, please. El Macho may have done all the heavy lifting, but this has been _my _evil plan from the start!" she cackled. "_My _plan to unleash your mutant minions all over the world! El Macho is nothing but a washed-up has-been - he couldn't have come up with this himself! He'd be _dead _if it wasn't for me!"

El Macho winced in shame as she spoke, but Gru didn't even notice him. He was getting _really _confused, and more than a little annoyed. "What? What are you talking about, you vile little shrew?"

"Oh, don't you get it, Gru?" She smiled an entirely false smile. "He didn't fake his death at all, all those years ago... no, he would have died for real if _I _hadn't saved him! I needed him, you see... his resources and his expertise. He's been indebted to me and working for me ever since!"

Gru turned to stare at the luchador. "El Macho... you never mentioned anything like this... it cannot be true!"

El Macho sighed as his shoulders drooped, looking very depressed. "I'm afraid, _es la verdad_, my friend... I did not want to admit such a thing to someone I admire as much as you. And I did not say anything to our mutual friend Dr. Nefario either..."

From where he was piloting the airship, Dr. Nefario jolted upright and started looking around frantically. "What? What's that? Who said my name? I'm afraid I'm quite lost..."

Gru still couldn't believe this was happening. He shook his head in exasperation and looked back up at his neighbor. "All right then, Mrs. _Masked Matchmaker... _if you are truly the one behind all this, then why haven't _you _been trying to stop me?"

"Aww, Gru, whoever said I _wasn't _trying to stop you?" she giggled. "Why do you think I was trying to set you up on all those dates, hmm? I was trying to get you _distracted!_ I was hoping you'd be so foolish in love that you'd let your guard down... or barring that, I'd just have my _employee _Shannon rub you out for good. Which she would have done, if someone hadn't interfered..."

She glared at Lucy, who was still tied to the shark that was tied to the rocket. "Oh, heh heh... don't mind me..." Lucy giggled, looking very uncomfortable.

Gru started massaging his temple. "You're telling me... those _dates _were part of your evil plan."

"Well of course! That's the only reason I was at that little brat's birthday party in the first place - well that, and I was scouting out your minions. I needed a first-hand look to make sure they were exactly what I needed!"

Gru was getting more and more lost. "But - but the birthday party, it was - "

"Before the Anti-Villain League recruited you?" the Masked Matchmaker sneered. "I knew they were coming for you even before _you _did! I've been three steps ahead of you all this time, Gru..." The smirk vanished from her face, replaced by a grimace of utter hatred. "But even _that _wasn't enough! You and those little nuisances just _ruined _my plan! My plan I've been working on for _twenty years!_ And now you're going to pay for it!"

"Oh really?" Not looking intimidated in the slightest, Gru balled his fists and started shaking them at her. "I'd _like _to see you try, you... you... twiggy, shrill, unpleasant woman you!"

The Masked Matchmaker threw her head back and laughed derisively. "Oh, silly, silly Gru... _I'm _not the one who's going to kill you." She pointed down at El Macho. "_He _is."

Gru looked at him in surprise. "He is?"

El Macho looked equally surprised. "I am?"

"Yes," she said darkly. "You are."

And then from out of nowhere, she pulled out an enormous gun loaded with a syringe filled with PX-41, hoisted it onto her shoulder... and fired the syringe straight into El Macho's arm.

Gru jumped back in shock, staring at the luchador as he howled in agony, desperately clawing at the syringe before his strength gave out and he doubled over in pain. Whatever that mutagen was, he _clearly _hadn't been planning to use it on himself...

He was too late to stop it. Gru could only watch in horror as a set of enormous fangs jutted out from El Macho's jaw, and then his entire body bulged and rippled before sprouting thick purple fur all over, ripping his costume off in the process. Within seconds he no longer even resembled El Macho, just a huge lumbering monster. He stumbled around before letting out a bloodcurdling, bestial roar at Gru, signifying he was no longer in his right mind.

"Oh, poopie..." Gru fumbled with his gun and desperately tried to spray him with the antidote, only to discover he was all out. All that was left to do was let out a girly shriek as the mutated El Macho hurled himself at the ex-villain, throwing them both into an all-out fistfight.

"That ought to keep you busy... and now to take care of your girlfriend!" shouted the Masked Matchmaker, pulling out her own detonator with a big red button. "You should have just gone out with Shannon like I suggested, Gru..."

"No! She's going to launch Lucy!" Margo cried from on board the ship. "Dr. Nefario, we have to save her! _Do something!_"

Dr. Nefario snapped to attention. "What?! Oh - as you wish, Margo! TALLYHO!"

Without warning, he grabbed the steering wheel and tilted it sharply downward, causing the airship to take a nosedive and plummet directly toward the compound. All three girls shrieked and grabbed each other as the ship fell and fell before crashing into the roof, the violent impact throwing the Masked Matchmaker clear off and down to the ground.

"WAAAAAUGH!" she cried as she fell through the air, the detonator flying from her hand. She landed on the ground with a painful smack, groaning and briefly blacking out.

"Uh... I guess that was something..." said Margo.

Meanwhile, Gru and El Macho were staggering back and forth around the compound and trading blows, smacking each other silly. Gru was fighting with all his strength, but he honestly didn't know how much longer he could hold out against this giant furry beast. He had to think of something fast -

_Liiiiightbulb._

"All right... time to end this," he muttered, pulling out the fake tube of lipstick that Lucy had given him. El Macho let out a roar and charged right at him - only to be greeted by a violent electric shock that sent him convulsing and screaming.

"LIPSTICK... TASER!" Gru bellowed in triumph.

From where she was still tied up, Lucy blushed and giggled. "Aww... he copied me."

El Macho staggered backwards, clutching at himself and growling in pain, but momentarily he lifted his head back up to glare at Gru. That taser had hurt him, but it wasn't enough...

"Hold it right there, criminal scum!" At that moment, Dr. Nefario and the three girls came racing up next to Gru (they'd gotten off the roof _somehow_), with the doctor brandishing one of his trademark fart guns.

Looked dazed and injured, but not down for the count yet, El Macho glared down at the gun nozzle. "_Viejo estúpido... _you think I am afraid of a silly little gun like this?"

Dr. Nefario grinned. "You will be... very shortly."

And it went off right in El Macho's face. The mutated man immediately froze up, his face twisted up in agony at the horrible stench, before his eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed to the ground, out cold.

"Never gets old," the doctor said smugly. Gru just stared down at him, looking rather nonplussed.

"Gru!" came a frightened cry, and he turned around to see Lucy still tied up, thrashing around and desperately trying to get free.

"Lucy!" he shouted, racing over to the rocket without a second thought. "Lucy, I am so sorry... it is my fault you were kidnapped in the first place! They were just using you to get at me..." He quickly set to work untying her, lowering his head in shame as he did so. "I... I suppose you will never want to go out on a date with me now."

Lucy stared down at him for a moment before her face lit up. "What are you _talking _about, Gru? Of _course _I'll go out on a date with you!"

Gru looked surprised. "Oh. Really? You will?"

"_Oh no you won't!_"

Gru spun around just in time to see the Masked Matchmaker advancing on both of them, her eyes bulging and looking utterly crazed. "I've just about _had _it with you, Gru! You just had to go and ruin everything for me! And if El Macho couldn't get rid of you, then by golly, _I will!_"

"_Gru!_" cried all three of the girls, trying to run to his aid, but Dr. Nefario held out his hand to keep them away from the danger. Gru could handle himself... he hoped...

Without warning, the Masked Matchmaker reached to her side and pulled out what looked to be a very sharp, very _electrified _knife, buzzing and humming as a current ran up and down its blade. "You're not the only one with some truly _shocking _weapons, you know..."

Gru just glared at her. "Really? Of all the puns you could possibly use, you pick the 'shocking' one? Really, that one is just so overdone it is not funny anymore... you are really not cut out for this supervillain business, I do not think..."

"Gru!" Lucy cried out, shrugging the loosened ropes off herself and dropping to the ground before running desperately to his side. Gru glanced at her and suddenly felt his heart swell with determination. There was absolutely no way he would lose against this madwoman. He had his daughters to protect, and his minions... and Lucy. Who did this lady think she was?

Brandishing her knife, the Masked Matchmaker let out an insane shriek and charged directly at him... only to be greeted by a right hook to the face.

"Oh, sorry. I did not see you there." Gru circled behind her and punched her again, this time sending her staggering backwards and slamming into the rocket. "Or there."

Right on cue, at least a dozen minions who'd been standing back and watching the fight leapt onto the rocket, chattering wildly and tying up the Masked Matchmaker with the same ropes that had been used on Lucy. "What - what - _no!_" she cried, thrashing against her bonds, but it was no use. "_Graaaaah! _Get _away _from me, you little yellow freaks!"

"Ahem. I'm afraid your reign of terror is over, Masked Matchmaker." The minions quickly leapt off the rocket, and she turned in time to see Gru standing right in front of her, holding the forgotten detonator in his hand. Her eyes widened in terror, but there wasn't a thing she could do.

"You are _never _setting me up on a date again." And he slammed the button.

The Masked Matchmaker's desperate screams were drowned out by the deafening roar of the rocket's engines as it launched into the air, smoke pouring and flames blazing from underneath it. Everyone was sent staggering back from the launch pad, coughing and waving the smoke away from their faces as the rocket soared higher and higher, gradually reaching the peak of its parabolic path as it finally vanished into the distance, leaving a trail of smoke behind.

Everyone was silent for a moment.

"But, Gru..." Lucy said softly. "That rocket is headed right for the volcano! Won't she... die?"

Gru shrugged unconcernedly. "Eh. Maybe. Probably not. You know, supervillains are _notoriously _good at faking their own deaths."

"_Gru!_" came a chorus of cheers, and he turned around in time to see his three daughters racing over and throwing themselves at him.

"We're so glad you're okay, Gru. We were so worried!" said Margo as she hugged his waist.

"We're so glad _you're _okay too, Miss Lucy!" Agnes cheered as she walked over to the lanky redhead. "Psst... _are you still single?_"

"_Wonderful _job there, Gru. Truly excellent. Didn't doubt you for a minute," said Dr. Nefario, walking over and placing a hand on Gru's shoulder. "Actually, that's a lie. This whole time I was afraid you were going to screw up. Terrified out of my wits, I was."

Gru glowered at him. "_Thank _you, Dr. Nefario, as always, for your continued support," he said loudly, removing his hand before turning to the person he really wanted to talk to. "Well, Lucy... now that you have seen what our family is like, I... hope it will not dissuade you from our date?"

Lucy looked back and forth from the three adorable little girls, the countless array of yellow minions gazing at her with hopeful looks on their faces, and the short, bald man she'd jumped out of a plane for, and found she was almost ready to explode with joy.

"Oh, of _course _not, Gru! I would like to be part of your family more than anything," she squealed happily, giving him a tight hug. "Oh, but there is... just one teensy tiny little thing..."

The wide grin fell from Gru's face. "What teensy tiny little thing is that?"

Lucy felt her gaze traveling over to the crashed, smoldering remains of the airship on the roof. "Who's going to pay for _that?_"


End file.
